Im no superman

2011-02-17T16:24:00.002+08:00

what do you do when you find that you have lost yourself? when there is no identity, no sense of purpose. it seems as if the world is floating by right before your eyes and you are overwhelmed by the realisation that you are but a spectator not a participant. its almost like living dead. its no wonder zombies choose to make it their purpose to devour humans. being so full of things to say till its bursting and wishing there was someone to listen yet not wanting to have to say it to someone. often its easy to suppress emotions. like flipping a switch. on off on off on off. it makes it but a simple matter to convince yourself that everything will work out. after all they always have- and without that much effort. but what happens when that switch fails and cannot be turned off? when the reality that you may be slipping down a path that isn't favourable and you have no grip whatsoever sinks in. it eats at you from the inside but at the same time reinforces the emotionless shell thats the image everyone sees.
if a certain someone reads this, this is part of the reason i don't like to talk about myself. its probably part of the reason that i may look so cold and have nothing to say often. but i guess i have to find myself first before i can do anything else. but how to i do that?

2010-07-10T22:58:00.002+08:00

sometimes life takes us where we don't want to go and we're forced to make the decisions we don't want to make. sometimes we are dealt hands that we don't want. often we ask ourselves why? what have i done to deserve this? many face the gnawing realisation that no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we cling on to something, to someone, they still eventually slip through our grasp just like trying to hold an eel out of water. it is said that humans love to torture themselves. despite the knowledge that nothing last forever, we still keep trying over and over again to make forever a reality, and we are met with failure time and again. but we actually do not realise that it is because of each failure that we end up with a different goal to hold on to a different picture of the forever that we wish to create with each only being able to get better than the last. after all, what doesn't kill makes stronger right? or does it? (:
random ramblings.

2010-02-21T17:26:00.002+08:00

slightly more than two years ago, when i graduated from secondary school, i wrote of how it would be the little things that i miss the most. well if then i thought i knew what i was talking about, i was wrong, it is only now that i really understand whatit is to appreciate the little things and treasure all the small trivial occurences that happened in my life. because if everything is taken away then all these trivial things add up to one big slap in the face. which is a little late to be waking up.

2010-02-21T11:08:00.002+08:00

Right by my side you are
You smile without a care
Yet that smile is not mine
I am happy of course
But that tinge of remains
Because it is not mine

its funny how things work. when you wanted me to help i didnt. now i want to help but you dont want it anymore. it is often said that we should take our chances when we get it, to grab the opportunities that life grants to us. it is also said that some of these chances come only once around. if you miss it or do not hold on to it properly then it may leave and never return. one of the humans' weaknesses if often realising that they should have grabbed that opportunity only after they can never do so. is this one of those times? i really dont know. i can only hope that this chance comes around once more. but then again dont we all?

2010-02-14T22:32:00.002+08:00

Alot of changes in the past week. Alot of things put in perspective. When one can choose everything one would try to fit everything in. To keep a hold on everything. To enjoy everything. It is only when he is forced to choose only one. When contraints prevents trying to have the cake and eat it too. Only then is what is really important revealed. Only then does he realise what he can make do without and what he cannot make do without. Ultimately, the one thing he chooses would be the one thing that he took for granted to be always there. The one thing he never appreciated as much as he should have because it was always there. Only then does he realise that he should not have done so many things. Only then does his actions cause him to regret. And when he tries to makes things right, he realises that things have changed. Only then does he see the full effect of his actions in the past. People can be left with a very deep impact that they do not reveal. But i really hope that it is not too late to make up for the things done to close the wounds that have been inflicted. But i guess i realise now that there is so many things in life that i cannot control. Still, this is better than having no hope at all. Whatever happens, this song has been on my mind for the past week, felt that it means alot, especially the first stanza.

Best thing about tonight's that we’re not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don’t think that I am trying......
I know you’re wearing thin down to the core..

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that i will fall for you
Over again
Don’t make me change my mind
Or I won’t live to see another day
I swear its true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You’re impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed
But I have loved you from the start

Oh,
But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don’t make me change my mind
Or I won’t live to see another day
I swear it’s true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It’s impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in I’m yours to keep
And hold onto your words
‘Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you’re asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don’t make me change my mind
Or I won’t live to see another day
I swear it’s true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don’t make me change my mind
Or I won’t live to see another day
I swear it’s true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You’re impossible to find

2010-01-13T01:17:00.002+08:00

Some how this song seems appropriate though not completely. probably more of a reversal of roles. anyway, i just find it meaningful.

I gotta go my own way
I gotta say whats on my mind,
Something about us, doesn't seem right these days
Life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try,
somehow the plan is always rearranged
It's so hard to say,
but I've gotta do whats best for me
You'll be okay
I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here,
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this world someday
But at least for now,
I gotta go my own way
Dont wanna leave it all behind,
But I get my hopes up and I watch them fall every time
Another colour turns to grey,
and its just so hard to watch it all slowly fade away
i'm leaving today, cause i gotta do whats best for me.
Youll be okay,
Ive got to move on and be who I am
I just dont belong here,
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this world someday
But at least for now,
I gotta go my own way

2010-01-03T02:55:00.002+08:00

the day will come when the choice would have to be made. when you decide which route to take. you already know the right one to choose but you dont know how to take the first step in that direction.
choices are what we crave for. we always want to have control over decisions and be able to choose. why is it then that choices often only serve to make our lives more problematic and miserable?

2009-11-25T23:53:00.002+08:00

what is love? what is it to really be in love? how do you tell? how can y0u be certain? more importantly, how do you show that you love someone? can it really be seen from one's actions that he loves another? i really dont know. so many questions in my head, so little answers. its hard to be confident about something when you really arent sure about that area in the first place. how can it be that what seemed so perfect is actually filled with so many cracks? how is it that the path you tread seems so unmoved, yet it is collapsing faster then you steps? i really dont know what can what should be done. i wish i was omnipresent and omnipotent. that i could bend things and change things. and maybe i can. if i knew how. it sucks to be at a loss. to see so many paths and not know which to take. to fear taking one step in any direction lest it be the wrong one. what can i do??

2009-09-12T00:27:00.002+08:00

do i really have to choose? is it not possible to have both? to have all at once? does life really have to go in circles where gaining is never without price and there is always something that is lost in the process? can we never really fully and solely be happy without having to rue the misses? can joy never be unadulterated by disappointments and longing? why is life punctuated by the need to sacrifice?

2009-09-10T00:16:00.001+08:00

i will make you proud in everything i do .. (:

2009-09-08T06:28:00.000+08:00

i have always believed that everybody has a dark side. something that that they would not want to admit even to themselves. well i guess mine rears its ugly head once too many times. i was desperate to keep this good image before you. but i guess i tried too hard. i did it in ways that i never should have. trust can never be regained. its the hardest to build up and the easiest to tear down. i am really sorry i hurt you.

2009-08-08T01:22:00.002+08:00

i wanted to dedicate a post but i am seriously short of inspiration now due to brain deadness so i ll put this song for now and hope it has some meaning(:

Crying in the Rain

I'll never let you see

The way my broken heart is hurting me

I've got my pride

And I know how to hide

all my sorrow and pain

I'll do my crying in the rain

If I wait for stormy skies

You won't know the rain

from the tears in my eyes

You'll never know that I still love you so

Though the heartaches remain

I'll do my crying in the rain

Raindrops falling from heaven

Could never take away my misery

But since we're not together

I'll wait for stormy weather to hide these tears

I hope you'll never see

Someday when my crying's done

I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun

I may be a fool

But till then, darling

You'll never see the complain

I'll do my crying in the rain

2009-07-26T23:49:00.002+08:00

no amount of preparation and knowlege can prepare you for when it hits. its always easy when you are listening to others. its always easy when you are the spectator. the one who watches hears empathizes and sympathises. its always easy being the shoulder to cry on. its always easy being the strong one, the one who takes the blows that others suffer. but put that same strong dependable tower in the in the forefront, let it face the winds and the storms and the blizards and even the strongest fall. i now see that it is the one who cries on another's shoulder, the one who speaks for others to listen, the one who is the main plot for the viewing of others, the one who wavers even in the support of others that finds it the hardest. as reality sinks in it is like a stone dragging you to the bottom only there seems to be no bottom.and thats is when you feel like screaming but no voice comes out. when you want so badly to blame someone to ease the ache and burden but there you know that there is no one to blame.

2009-07-26T22:25:00.000+08:00

part of me finds it hard to believe. and part of me wants to wake up and escape from this nightmare. only this time i think it isn't a bad dream. zzz.

2009-07-26T21:37:00.002+08:00

am suppose to be writing my SGC testimonial or smth. but what the heck. if anybody has the mood in my position he must be heartless.

and i guess its goodbye once again. this time for real and for good. i promised myself then that i did not want to try anymore. that i was just going to let things go as they were. enjoy life as much as i could. no worries.
but i guess i havent learnt that i can't really trust what i promise myself to do. thats probably the only thing that i can trust myself on. the fact that everything i promise myself will usually not be done. and true enough. what did i do? go right back to what i had vowed not to. only this time it seemed real. it seemed that perhaps it wasn't going to be a failure. it seemed that it would be more that a figment of my often overactive imagination. and perhaps it really wasn't. perhaps some part really was for real. but maybe thats what life is telling me. that this is as good as i can have it. perhaps this is the best that i could ever have. i thought that i had found the right balance. but i was wrong. all i had found was a mirage. an empty image that beckoned me to grab without hesitation, only to find that all i was grabbing was nothingness. a dark empty vaccuum that felt looked smelt and even tasted real. only to realise that i had been duped. it seems that with each time it gets more realistic. more persuasive. probably knowing that i would be harder to convince, harder to persuade. knowing that it will be harder for me to fall for the same thing. so just as a lethal virus it mutates finding its way past the newly set up defence systems meant to counter what it learnt from the previous assault. and just like a dark gloomy shadow it inevitably overran everything inside before i could realise what had it me.
and as i stood looking at the empty barrenness of reality, i remembered one statement i used many times over:
if something seems too good to be true, thats because it usually is.

2009-06-15T11:51:00.002+08:00

zhiwei messaged that ronaldo had been sold to real madrid for 80 million pounds on thursday. it came as a bit of a surprise to me as he had recently professed his loyalty to manu. well i guess everybody has a price and if he was going to go anyway, why not for a world record smashing fee. he is worth every penny. but well this post is dedicated to the teenager who made me love soccer again, after his 6 years at the team ive supported from young. sure he may not have had the kind of impact that would linger in memories in his first three seasons. he may not have won united titles in those years. but they were the foundation of what was to come. and what was to come took the breath of millions away. armed with a bag of tricks that david copperfield would have been proud of and lightning speed that was spoken of in the same breath as the bugatti veyron and donning the talismanic number 7 jersey won by manu greats such as bobby charlton, george best, eric cantona and david beckham, he brought a new life to the manchester united and to the barclays premier league. scoring a massive haul of 90 goals in his last three years in manu, he single handedly won manchester two premier league titles (06-07, 07-08), and a much coveted champions league title (07-08) while playing an important role that saw manchester united winning their third consecutive premier league title for the second time in history among a host of other trophies along with aiding in the campaign for a second Champions League title eventually losing out to Barcalona. he won all there is to be won, being crowned Football Writers' and PFA player of the year twice in a row, PFA young player of the year once, coming in third in the FIFA footballer of thee year award and finally is the current Ballon'D Or and the FIFA footballer of the year. he mastered the art of deadly free kicks that is arguably the best in the world along with the art of scoring scorchers from distances that stretched to even 40 yards out on a regular basis and he even had time to best George Best's record of 39 goals from a midfielder in one season with his own 42 goals a mere 4 goals from equally denis law's record from a striker's position. even with all his tantrums and divings as well as open courting of real madrid that eventually saw him depart for Spain, he will be missed by manu and by English football. so here's a farewell to one of the greatest players ever to grace a football pitch, and i would love to see two of the best players (ronaldo and kaka) in the world currently combine their talents in one team next season.

2009-06-15T11:43:00.002+08:00

have been wanting to post for more than a week, especially about pre u sem. but just couldn't find the time to sit down and write how it was. but meeting them again yesterday made me realise how much i missed the carefree, no worries and big homely feeling that was a trademark of the five great days that the group had together. i hadn't look forward to it mainly because of my studies and certain other stuff. and on hindsight if i had not gone i probably could have done a bit more work. but hell, it was a blast i would never regret my decision to sign up for it. it was worth every minute and every second. i could not have asked for more. and i could spend the whole day describing and narrating the pure fun and unadulterated joy of the whole period and it would still do injustice to what it really was. but to all in my group, you guys already know the feelings and experience and i wouldnt have to say anymore. where we go from here is another story and chapter but i would never forget the memories that we had. (:

2009-05-22T21:10:00.002+08:00

been some time since my last post not counting the one about manchester united. so much has happen. time has zipped by like it never happened. yet everything did. my last post about hockey? well we did well enough. made ijc history for hockey. but it certainly had moments that would be better forgotten. now that its over, guess the drive to play is no longer there.
and you came back. was wondering if you ever would. was wondering if the book i closed months ago would one day be reopened. and i guess i can say that in a way it has. though this time it probably would be a very different story. things have changed, feelings have changed, perspectives has changed. but still im always here (:

2009-05-06T05:00:00.001+08:00

quote" ferguson's answer to the tevez-berbatov question is.............. park ji sung." (:(:

2009-04-12T20:57:00.002+08:00

the time has finally come

the time to find out what we're made of

the time where its all or nothing

the time of reckoning

a million questions flood

uncountable doubts fill

anxiety and nervousness

all but overwhelm

this is the beginning

the beginning to the end

the end of all the era

the era of sweat and blood

will it be another failure?

or a brilliant tale of success?

will potential be fulfilled?

or remain simply as it is

the answers floating

the future unknown to all

only time will tell

if dreams can come true

goodluck to all who begin and already are competing next week! hockey soccer track volleyball and netball.

2009-04-08T20:55:00.002+08:00

i like to thank my 4x4 team for winning the gold for me and i really owe my 4x1 team a big sorry for losing the super big lead that you guys gave me. i owe you all two golds, one that your won for me and the other that i lost for your. you all did great! and a kudos to sharan who rushed "back" from injury though not completely and did his best in all the events. thanks man. (:

2009-04-05T20:07:00.003+08:00

What Hurts The Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

2009-04-04T23:47:00.004+08:00

into the disappearing horizon

into the depths of the ocean

into the darkest galaxies above

from heaven to hell and back

every face voice and person

scanned to the tiniest detail

in fervent search of someone

someone just like you

but no, this was not to be

a mission condemned at the outset

a vision that was but a mirage

a hope that never existed

because there is no one

no one i say, none at all

not a single soul

who is like you.

but it was not the end

it was to be but the start

lurking round the bend

was the realisation that

you weren't the one

not the one i should seek

werent the answer to prayers

neither the reality of dreams

another vision another sight

lay in the peripheral

first in the silent oblivion

till it was staring right in my eyes

2009-03-24T17:50:00.024+08:00

was glancing through some of the old posts that i had read before. ran through every thought and emotion that i had experienced in that period. and as things began to turn sour i stopped. could not go on. just could not. and so decided to let this be the past. maybe then things will be easier. but before goodbye, here's a tribute to all it was and more.

A TRIBUTE, AN ODE, A FAREWELL

____________________________

it was random occurence
like genetic arrangement
started out testing the water
never intending to go deep
but just as a whirlpool does
was drawn in inevitably

__________________________

always the one with initiative

always the one starting

always the one in the morning

always the one in the evening

__________________________

preoccupied the thoughts

preoccupied the mind

preoccupied meaning

preoccupied everything else

__________________________

wondered how long it could go on

wondered if it was too good to be true

wondered if i was dreaming

wondered if this was just a phase

__________________________

was starting think nothing

nothing at all could go wrong

maybe this was it

the one chance i had always wanted

__________________________

then it happened

the first time

just as i was losing balance

and for once it was not my fault

__________________________

things were never the same

never the same ease

never the same comfort

never the same again

__________________________

but there were whispers

there were gentle reminders

moments of what had been

what could have been

__________________________

it dragged on and on

even then i was content

maybe if it stayed

i could live with that

_________________________

but no, it wasn't to be

the bombshell came that night

wasn't meant to

but it did

________________________

was ready to give up

prepared to let go

expecting to never again

resigned to what was

_________________________

it did not happen

was not allowed to

was given a brief respite

was allowed to smile

__________________________

thinking that maybe this could work

hoping it would work

wanting to make it work

and most of all to last

__________________________

it seemed like it would

in its own way

in its own capacity

reaching to limits never before

__________________________

it did, it did

but not for long

all it was all it could be

was two, two short

__________________________

and i was soothed at the end

at the very end

like compensation

before retrenchment

__________________________

but compensation or no

this would be the ultimate

the turning point

no leeway for returning

__________________________

at the end of it all

when the chapter is closed

you were still perfect

not a speck, not a spot

absolutely flawless

and the best i could have known

yeah thats it. this should have been done weeks ago. many many weeks ago. or maybe even months ago. maybe then things could have looked up alot faster. but they say never late than never. and i guess if it was then i wouldn't have been ready. now i am. things could have been different. who knows? (:

whatever it is, what ever happens from here on, i just like to say that you will always be my b.. if im still considered one. maybe in the future there may be a chance for a second chapter. (:

2009-03-14T22:48:00.002+08:00

when some things are not meant to be they will never happen.
when every shot is missed timed. when the ball just nearly crosses the line. when all it needs is an extra tap to score. when the cross is nearly met. when the cross is met and nearly shot in. when the passes nearly splits the defence. when the ball is nearly saved. when the defender nearly manages to avoid a red. when a goal is nearly stopped. when a penalty is nearly not conceded.
sums up the fact that even when everything is going for you things may screw up. that even when on top one has to be on his toes. how much more when he has nothing?

2009-03-11T21:30:00.002+08:00

people have compared us to the seniors, they say we are better. people have measured us by the improvements that we have made in this past year together, people have said that we are a very promising batch. so many things have been said about us. but at the end of it all what would we have to show for it? what concrete proof can we have that would justify all that we have been touted to be capable of? some simplistic 5 a side championship against sec schs? or some open hockey one 5 a side tournament? or perhaps some 7 a side friendlies? no. that all speaks of potential. not reality. adiv is one chance we have to go and prove what we can do. if the effort is now then we can leave with our heads high not asking what if. so i say lets give this our best shot and do ourselves proud. this is for ourselves. for all the effort we have put in. all the time in the sun and rain. anyone care to join me?

2009-03-11T20:36:00.002+08:00

realized something today. my earpiece has been spoilt for a few days (the left earpiece doesnt emit any sound). and i have all but given up hope of fixing it by myself because i practically know that nothing can be done. but then every now and then, it would seem to come to life. giving me hope that it will stay that way. but i know that it wont last. that doesnt stop me from tryin to adjust and fix it whenever it does although i know it is futile.

but it got me thinking. this is how life works too doesnt it? often times there are things that cannot be fixed that cannot be made better. there are situations that cannot be brought any higher a level or bettered in any way. but still we try aimlessly don't we. still we do everything we can to make things better. to reflect progress. although we know for a matter of a fact that it is all futile. and the best of all is the fact that we are not discouraged but rather encouraged. because every now and then it may seem that there is some inkling of improvement some sign of things turning for the better. but this only sets us up for more disappointment in the future. potential disappointment.

2009-03-08T13:31:00.003+08:00

one post that is about me.
you hear people in the spur of anger say they hate their parents. you hear of those who love their parents. there are those who complain of their parents. there are also those who tell their parents everything. love them or hate them they are still their parents and the ties they have is that of parents and children.

me? i began living a separate life from my parents years ago. one that is detached. one whereby it feels that there is just another person in the house. maybe not so much for my mum. but more so for my dad. one whereby the words spoken are few and far apart. one whereby there is no love for him, neither hate. emotionless. just another person. why? maybe because i was too caught with the people that i was afraid i would lose. the people that i put in effort to be nice to. those i put in effort to see them smile. those that i truly wanted to be happy. and hence, my dad was set in the background nothing more than a blurry image.

these were all unspoken. but when it was finally said out today, i wonder what i have become? where have my choices led me to? my dad sees me as an unlovable and cold person. am i? maybe to some. but it all seems stupid. putting in effort for those who would never love you and at the same time forgetting those who always will. but isn't that being human? always wanting the one thing we can't get and never appreciating what we can. zzz

2009-03-07T01:21:00.003+08:00

the trade-off between hurt and happiness. they are inversely proportionate when you do not know what you are dealing with. happy? hurt? two sides of a coin. i hope you will be happy and never hurt (:

2009-03-04T22:40:00.001+08:00

lets just see how things pan out from here on shall we? it will be interesting. (:

when all is said and done will do what do best, wait. (:

2009-03-03T22:21:00.003+08:00

"courage is stepping out of the familiar" a wise old woman once said.
ok so she was not an old woman. more like my sec 3 and 4 form teacher.

anyway i was just thinking about today. and figured that to everything there are two sides. it is true that leaving the familiar is leaving one's comfort zone and that is never easy. it takes courage definitely.
but what if one had thought that he/she had safely left the familiar only to realise that the familiar has once again return to haunt? what if he/she knows that as a matter of fact. and what if he/she still decides to jump back because thats where his/her heart lies? what does that make him/her?
courageous? or a fool?

2009-03-03T21:50:00.003+08:00

miss the days
the days that your name was my sunrise
the days your initiation woke me
the days that your words drove me to my feet

from the day it was made,
it was followed,
the limits never crossed
the boundaries never breached
keeping eyes single and focussed

yet nothing, absolutely nothing
brings back what was before
the spontaneity the spring
what's left, all that's left,

constant wonderings,
second guessing and speculating
never knowing for sure
stripped of the childlike honesty

if this can keep happiness
then happiness will touch
and maybe then like the past
this will be enough

my very own words

2009-02-28T00:27:00.007+08:00

patience is a virtue.

answers that a floating in the wind, taunting, whirling, swirling. leaving one grasping at nothing. answers that are so high up no one on Earth can answer, not even with a superhuman ability of flight.

second guessing so much that even superhuman memory cannot contain the possibilities. preparing for the worst and always living wondering when it's all going to fall apart. filled with so much uncertainty that even superhuman strength and speed cannot prevent the inevitable.

what use is x-ray vision when it only shows the tissues and capillaries? what use then is heat vision when all it leaves behind is ashes and a blaze of disaster? what protection does an invulnerable body give when the weakest, the heart is worn on a sleeve for all to see? never knowing when it will be crushed.

BEST SUPERPOWER: MIND-READING

2009-02-22T00:25:00.002+08:00

what a week. things moved so fast that i didn't even have time to fully comprehend how i felt at any one point. but one thing i know for sure. there is no way i'm going to carry on the way i have. no more excuses to do things the way i've always felt like doing. true change calls for firm and decisive measures, extreme even. and its about time i made a change in my life. never before did i take risk. i never liked to. there was always a plan b, plan c, plan d maybe even plan e. but now its time to raise the stakes. if this is as important to me as i claim then it is worth it. ( figure of speech. it is as important) this time it is all or nothing. this time i either make it or break it. but i promise you, no more, no one else.

2009-02-18T21:37:00.003+08:00

its funny how we always look back to the past and wish that we could turn back time. if only things were like they were before. if only i could go back and do this differently. always wanting things out of our reach and never truly appreciating the things that are firmly within our grasp. always hesitating to take what is very well there for the taking and always being forced to try when the situation plays out in a way that dooms you to failure from the start.

2009-02-17T21:36:00.002+08:00

mind reading : the greatest superpower man could have.
it may hurt but it then should be better in the long run.
i just really hope that this friendship will not end for a long long time
and i will be content. (:

2009-02-15T01:31:00.002+08:00

your smile melts my heart in an instant
your laughter turns my legs to jelly
your glance takes words from my mouth
leaving me speechlessly stunned

2009-02-08T08:58:00.001+08:00

struggling to find the way back to reality, to shake of the wonderful dream and come back to earth

2009-02-01T01:23:00.001+08:00

when you cling to the past you can never live the present and never move on to the future

2009-01-24T01:08:00.001+08:00

patience is a virtue. but whats the point of being patient when everyone else isnt patient with you? why couldnt there have more faith and more confidence? but then again how can there be when you dont trust yourself?

2009-01-20T20:59:00.002+08:00

maybe im not putting in enough effort? maybe putting in effort is not the right way to approach this. whatever it is i just wonder if im actually cut out for this. its tiring to carry on. its tiring to wait and hope. its tiring to wonder if things would ever be the same. or if things were ever different. if it had been my imagination all along. i look and wonder why it seems some succeed so easily. why to others it doesnt seem to matter. why some always seem to get what they want so quickly. and then i wonder why i ve been stagnant. i wonder why i seem to be pushed back two steps for every step forward that i take. i want to know what you think of me. i want to know if i have a place or if im expendable. but i never dare open my mouth. the time never seems right. and in the end i only have myself to blame.

2009-01-18T22:10:00.000+08:00

for once i am at a loss of words. wanting to speak, but not knowing the words to utter. and that is never a good thing.

2009-01-10T09:29:00.002+08:00

when you are lost how do you find the right direction?
when you are aimless how do you find purpose?

when you know the right direction why do you refuse to follow it?
when you find purpose why do you not achieve it?

two conflicting persons within. world war 3 constantly occuring internally.

2009-01-01T15:06:00.004+08:00

its a brand new day a brand new month and a brand new year. 2008 has been a year of many reflections, thinking, learning, realisations. a barrage of emotions. a year where many decisions were made. a year wherein the only constant was its unpredictability. a year which started and ended so similarly. yet with a whole range of diametrically contrasting events that was sandwiched in between. new friends made, old ones renewed while some drifting off. a year wherein some have found who is just right for them and others still stuck with the same emotions and outlook of life but with surroundings that suit them better. a year where some start to mean a whole lot more while others suddenly dont seem that significant.
but now its time for a whole new beginning. a chance to do things differently. a chance to make things that were done wrong right. a time to renew vows and promises and a chance to keep them. a chance to learn new things and avoid the pitfalls of old.
the new year awaits. waiting for each of us to unfold the story that is our lives. to each a little different, a little unique. yet intertwined indefinitely if by nothing else the very existance on this planet earth.
lets live this year to the fullest taking it one day at a time and be thankful that we have gotten through an entire year unscathed and presented with a golden opportunity to make the most of the cards life deals to us.
to all, God bless. (:

2008-12-11T12:37:00.001+08:00

"when things seem too good to be true, it's usually because it isn't" usually.

"never judge something by the start because the start never = the end"

"never count your chickens before they hatch"

2008-12-08T23:25:00.001+08:00

when left in the past, when no longer needed for the present, move on in search of a new future

2008-12-08T02:00:00.002+08:00

the exact mirror image. seems like its becoming an annual event. different details, different characters, but in essence the storyboard hasn't one bit. not one bit. the ending is equally gut wrenching, the helpless feeling of being done in yet again stings relentlessly.

what is the point of clinging on when the end is crystal clear? going down the exact same path. the one that already has the trail of disaster and and doom.

they say, third time lucky. well i say third time and it is still no easier to take.

2008-11-16T21:06:00.003+08:00

the strange scary feeling rising in my gut. the lump forming in my throat as i try to swallow. the emotions forming a potent mixture as the realisation starts to sink in. the realisation that maybe, probably its happening once again. is it? usually instincts that themind controls are the right judgment. but it is always the heart that doesnt want to accept. the heart and soul. the entire essence. maybe this is the day history that is scary repeats itself.is it?

2008-11-13T22:58:00.003+08:00

what i worse than losing sight of something that caught your attention? it is losing sight of that thing without getting its attention.

whats worse than making a wrong turn? it is not knowing where you came from.

whats worse than losing your way? it is not knowing where you were headed in the first place.

whats worse than losing your memory? it is not knowing who you are.

someone today ask me. why must we judge? why must we always judge others? why cant we just remain judging ourselves? she had some other questions but it got really mixed up that i didnt really understand.

well, what does judging do? it gives us an opinion of everything in this world. if we dont judge, it means for one, we aint using the gray matter up there for anything useful. we arent thinking. to the next two questions, why must we always judge others instead of just sticking to ourselves? well, in this world the way things work is really very interesting. to one coin there is always a flip side. ive mentioned before, what makes one side of the coin is the flip side of it. without it that one side is nothing. what makes light light? darkness. what makes good good? bad. everything in this world is judged not absolutely but in relative. everything is judged in contrast to something else. and hence if we dont judge everyone else, that makes us nothing. just thought it was interesting. (:

2008-11-12T00:35:00.002+08:00

was at some motivational workshop today. and i figured this out. what is motivation? what is one's level of motivation? and this is my formula..

MOTIVATION

Amount of desire for a certain outcome>/=

Amount of effort required to achieve that outcome+sacrifices that need to be made.

2008-11-09T12:29:00.002+08:00

have been thinking a lot lately mainly due to some things i have seen. have been wondering, what is it that i want in this life? what am i working towards? why is it i do the things that i do now? what is the reason behind my existence? surely not to eat sleep and live life as a routine?
of all the things i could be working for and towards, i realised that there is only one thing that i want. its not really good grades, nor to be an extraordinary sportsman. not to be cool or popular. not to be famous or rich. its a lot more personal than that.
oh well..

2008-10-29T18:38:00.002+08:00

you are the reason,
the pull,
the driving force.

like the magnet
&
the iron nail.

flash from the past! its been awhile since we last met. just two years ago. and its good to note how easily and things change with time. how what used to be yesterday is no longer what is today. how people come in and out of your life. some stay longer some stay shorter. some leave and some stay. every entry has an exit. every exit an entry.

goodbye for now :)

2008-10-16T23:19:00.003+08:00

there is a old adage that goes like this : be careful what you wish for, because it might just come true. just not exactly how you pictured it.
life works in funny ways. twice now it has given me what i had asked for. and both times things didnt turn out how i pictured it. i guess i can't complain can i? afterall, i was the one who asked for a low enough score to go somewhere. only problem was, by the time i was given that score, my heart was somewhere else. and then i was the very person who asked to be able to move on. and true enough, i once again was given the opportunity to. i didnt have to worry about wasting more time. i didnt have to worry about waiting for the mercy of others. but then once again, i am not happy. not satisfied. why? because how can i be happy moving on if its not together? how can i be satisfied i its just me?
for what its worth, i am still hoping and praying this doesnt turn out a reality. only then can i contently look to the future.
(: dedication.

2008-10-16T01:10:00.003+08:00

i guess things are better this way for everyone? slowly shifting back to the way they were before. how easily things change. in the blink of an eye.

2008-10-11T08:38:00.002+08:00

passing from one year to the next. each and everytime being processed slightly differently. and bit by bit its no longer one strand passed. its starts to take shape. it begins to mould twist and shift into form. soon it forms bones. then before we know it, a skeleton is formed. add on the flesh. then the skin. and the blood. soon the blood flows and breath is breathed into the person. and the face of the person is identical but the person made out with that face is not. but due to the fact that the image created is done by themselves, they trust what they create and what others have passed on rather than trying to find out what really is.

2008-10-10T23:04:00.002+08:00

how did things become like that? thanks for making life hell for others. hope you guys are all very happy.

2008-10-08T21:57:00.003+08:00

seriously some people have no life. go get one please for the betterment of humanity. i mean i cannot believe you would go to all the trouble to find out what a people do where they are going who they are going with and the attached implications that are plucked out of your worthless little brain. i mean really, have you dedicated your life to ensuring that life is a living hell for everyone else? can't you just leave others in peace? come on, you must have better things to do than that. and even if you don't well then, what gives you the right to come and dig up other people's live? plain assholes that the world might just be better off without. zzz.

2008-10-06T23:58:00.003+08:00

safe away from prying eyes.
locked beneath the radar.

in the past seeing was believing. but in this modern society, even seeing is only half of what the truth actually is. at times even less. heard this on one episode of justice league, " believe half of what you see and none of what you hear" well, thats hits the nail on its head. not much in this world is what it seems to be. the problem comes when others think that they know the whole truth when in effect they know none. then they open their big gap and stuff becomes even more distorted and slowly it becomes so exaggerated it doesnt even sound plausible.

a wise old friend summed it up best : " as time passes the truth becomes coated with lies"

and sady, till one day the truth can no longer be found.

:D:D

2008-10-03T20:23:00.003+08:00

all but one left. seems to fast to realise. seems to quick to take notice off. yet the impact last a thousand years. the ripples spread a thousand miles.

sometimes when you are too caught up with something you fail to realise that what ever you are putting in effort for is but a pure waste of time. a waste of your resources. and a waste of feelings. because in the end you only end up hurt. guess it was wrong to think that it mattered. it was wrong to assume that you were a part of it. because in fact it was none of your concern. well thats the past anyway.

over and done with. have a good life. hope you would really. because there is no more safety net.. no more chance to mess up and start over. this is where we grow up.

just some crap ramblings. (:

2008-09-25T22:54:00.003+08:00

love songs don't fit. at least not in this case. they actually suit a lot of people. those who are in love, those who have broken up, those who are heartbroken, those who just cannot be together. but how can it apply if you have never really be in love? if you have never really experienced how it felt?

2008-09-23T23:26:00.003+08:00

the thrill of expectation, the joy of anticipation, the ectasy of hope... all but a balloon, a bubble filled with nothing but aimless meaningless pointless air.. it is all too easily burst and soon it dissipates into where it belongs. empty air. and then you are once again left behind with nothing. absolutely nothing.. why do you always persist in things that you know are pointless and meaningless? things that will end in failure and sorrow? sometimes thats just how we think huh?

2008-09-20T17:07:00.002+08:00

smith: why mr anderson why why?
smith:why do you do it?
smith:why get up?
smith:why keep fighting?
smith:could it be you are fighting for something? for something more than your survival?
smith:could you tell me what it is? do you even know?
smith:is it for freedom or truth, perhaps peace, could i be for love?
........................
smith:you must know it by now, you can't win, its pointless to keep fighting
smith:why mr anderson why why do you persist?
neo: because i choose to..

thought it was a nice dialogue (:

2008-09-20T17:03:00.004+08:00

after all this time i realized that deep down i haven't changed one single bit.

2008-09-20T16:21:00.002+08:00

the first day always will lead to more and more of the same till one day there is no more. the first time is always the start of something that will end in tragedy.
will history repeat itself once again?

2008-09-19T21:29:00.002+08:00

why is it we do the things that we do? what gives us the motivation to carry on everyday? for some its money. for others love. for others to joy of what they do. what about you? what about me?

2008-09-14T18:17:00.002+08:00

life works like drugs. there are always things that make us happy and high. but then more often than not it is not lasting. very often the aftertaste the withdrawal symptoms from the disappearance of hits out when we feel down and out. and they persistantly remain till we find something that makes us smile again. something that makes us forget why we were unhappy in the first place. but then again the cycle continues and repeats itself over and over again.

this was something i thought about in sec 2 and recalled it recently so thought i would put it up here. :)

2008-09-10T22:33:00.002+08:00

ah finally my first post with good timing!:D
well was talking to a friend recently. and i said this. everybody makes decisions that we regret. i have made tons of decisions that i have regretted. but thats what makes us human. every mistake made is but a lesson learnt for the future. thats whats most important. that we learn from every regret we have made. it is precisely these mistakes and regrets that have helped shape who we are. thats why those who are always careful fall the hardest and get hurt the worst. but what matters most of all is that we focus not on the past on our regrets for that will only swallow us up. what matters is focussing on what is to come in the future when we can put the lessons we have learnt to good use. :D

2008-09-10T22:32:00.001+08:00

TESTING TESTING

2008-09-07T20:19:00.000+08:00

my blog's timings are screwed. everyone has to add like 15 hours to it?

2008-09-07T20:01:00.001+08:00

so many things to say. so little words to use. so many thoughts so many feelings yet none of which can ever be known.

2008-09-07T10:52:00.000+08:00

every era has a song (maybe a few) that marks its existence. a sound that moves time backwards to the feelings to the surroundings to the experiences. a melody that freezes the body in time but the heart and soul ever so active. these music marks the periods of my life. these music signifies who i am.

anw, ive been talking before about wanting to go back into the past to relive what had been there. well i guess for once i now feel that there is nothing for me to go back to. not refering to the period of time. its something else. suddenly there is the inexplicable sense that one is but a passing memory. well macbeth once put it this way when he described life.
"tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
creeps in this petty pace from day to day
to the last syllable of recorded time;
and all our yesterdays have lighted fools
the way to dusty death.
out, out, briedf candle!
(and my favourite part)
Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player
that struts and frets his hour upon the stage
and then is heard no more. it is a tale
told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

2008-09-04T20:27:00.001+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LELIA TEO!! :D

2008-09-04T20:18:00.000+08:00

maybe my outlook of life has been too pessimistic? i wonder. its obvious i see many things as gloomy and have a poor impression of life.
but come to think of it, its not really life that has ill treated us. in fact life has given us everything we have now. without life we wouldnt even be on this planet. so what makes life more miserable for some than it actually is? it is themselves. ourselves. wanting too much expecting too much. it is us that makes things complicated. one simple example. how do u determine if a place is on the left or the right? well technically speaking there is only one answer. but if we choose to be smart and say that if we look in different directions then left becomes right and right becomes left, what then is left and right?
well some things i was thinking about today.

2008-09-04T00:03:00.000+08:00

the mind operates like a hard disk or a computer. if you try hard enough you can erase and delete whatever you want from it. the heart on the other hand, is like molten adamantium. any imprint on in is unremovable, indestructable. when the heart remembers, nothing can remove it.

2008-09-03T13:39:00.000+08:00

when your vision narrows from the 140 deg vision ( is it 140 deg?) to 30 deg to focus on the blessing that lies before your eyes you lose sight of the 55 deg of vision on each side. and you never know if there may have been blessings there that you just never focussed on. perhaps you may have got sight of some of them but they were only at the very edges of your 140 deg. perhaps they may have entered your focus, but only for that fleeting few seconds. and then they are gone.
why is it that life never allows us to zoom in using all 140 deg? why is it that to zoom in on one thing we have to forgo the sight of another? why is it that when we lose sight of one thing that thing seems to move totally out of sight and even when we zoom out again we seem to be unable to find that which was once there?
life is a funny thing. it always teaches us the lessons it wants us to learn in the hardest most painful way. it teaches us to cherish things by taking them away. and the biggest problem with that is what is taken away sometimes is never given back. sometimes the lessons we are taught leaves us with scars that can never be erased. what is then the point of these lessons? maybe to remind us never to treat what we have left the same way. and the 'best' part is that we humans often never learn our lessons. many a time it is not enough to take one. two three four have to be taken before the lesson sinks in. and sometimes it just doesnt sink in. sometimes that thick skull of ours proves to be simply too hard for sense to be knocked in, and in the end we are left with nothing.. nothing at all. no old no new. some of us are lucky to get second, third fourth chances. but when those are exhausted no matter how much we cry, no matter how much we plead and beg what was lost can never be found again. thats life and thats the lessons in life. learn it well.

THE PAIN OF LOVE

2008-09-03T08:25:00.000+08:00

you are so close yet your hearts are miles apart. you want to reach out and grab her hand. you want to look deep into her eyes, into the very recesses of her soul and tell her how much you love her. but there seems to be this invisible wall that prevents you from crossing the line. you hear her voice on the phone and hear her woes and sorrows. and deep down you want to hold her in your arms and tell her that everything will be alright that you will protect and keep her from any tears. you love her. she knows you love her. but it is just not to be. you want to make her yours but she was never yours to take. and the feeling of fustration of misery of unhappiness wells up inside. so strong that you want to scream your lungs out. so strong that it tears at you inside, pounding and pounding till you are brought to your knees. you look up in despair at the sky and all you see is darkness. not even a glimmer of light breaking through. and the first of the drops of tears that you have been fighting to keep back slowly trickles down your cheek.

a dedication to someone.

2008-09-02T14:55:00.000+08:00

you can't have your cake and eat it too. thats a common saying that is often repeated to people. well, to have one in there has to be another out. to fill a cup full of tea with coffee, one has to first empty it of the tea that is in it. we can never gain something without losing something. hence the saying there is no free lunch in this world.
the problem comes when we want everything without giving up anything. in economics it is said that there are scarce resources versus unlimited wants. thats what human nature is all about isnt it? we want everything and we just cant bear to lose anything. well be careful when we try to get something new because we might forget that we have lost something. in fact, sometimes we might be too preoccupied with what we have gained that we lose sight of what we have lost which may have been more important.

just some rambling stuff.. :D

2008-08-30T21:30:00.000+08:00

the cold nameless stranger becomes a familiar comforting face in the crowd. thats what happen when u meet new people. and thats usually a good thing :D

fun day out today! studying and chatting.. and learning how to use the chopsticks properly.
lesson number one:
learning proper finger positioning..
homework:
practise with two pens

whats number two?

:)

2008-08-25T00:12:00.000+08:00

the things we humans take fro granted. i realised a funny aspect of humans. well its like this. if somebody does something for us, as in extra from what usually people would do and continuously treats us that way, some how we would end up expecting that person to continue treating us that way. in becomes a normal action. its expected that that person would treat us well. then someone else comes along and treats us the same way but that person never did before. and then its like we would treat that person as special and different from the rest when we dont actually take notice of another who has done the same all this while. ive been guilty of that. so well. haha bye!!

2008-08-23T00:02:00.000+08:00

the scars of the past. everyone has different ways of dealing with them. some people take everything in their stride and take the past as learning points to move on and become better people. but some people, are afraid to face the past. any memory of it is shoved to the recycle bin of the mind and heart. every reminder is set for auto delete. and every now and then when something sparks to bring these memories back from the grave, the person is stunned and suddenly doesn't know where to turn. well what then is the obvious result? the instant attempt to shove it back into its grave.
what is the problem then? memories are there for a reason. they are not meant to be forgotten or they would not be called memories. memories are there to remind of all the good and bad things. but most of all they are there as a lesson to learn from. to lead better life. and if we try to hide them, they will always lurk in the shadows stalking and haunting.

you flit like a butterfly over under and around but never stopping to take a peek at this flower.

2008-08-20T17:15:00.001+08:00

change is what this world is about. from the start of time till now the world has changed tremendously. no longer is the face of the earth covered with the different landscapes of greenery, ice sand and the likes. instead it is now covered with buildings of every kind. cars, parks gardens. everthing in this world has changed. even the humans on the earth have changed. no longer do they wear animal skins as their clothings.instead they now wear cotton, polyester nylon and the likes. change has occurred in practically every aspect. and it has been for the growth and increase of prosperity of mankind. every change has had its benefits. but of course it doesnt come without its negatives.
but after all that round the bush, has the world really changed? deep down in the bottom has it? no im bout talking about the ocean bed. i am talking about something deeper than that. has it really changed? the core of this earth. still lying there in silence while everything has changed above it.the hot burning core. or is it cold? i cant remember. anw, thats the thing. while everything on the surface of this earth has changed ultimately deep down inside it has not really changed at all.
this earth is a reflection of what humans are. ever changing. sometimes changing so much that we can't even recognise ourselves anymore. we may change so much that we lose track of why we had to change in the first place. was it to please those around us? was it because of inspiration of someone? maybe.
but just as this earth is so we are. we can change totally. the way we behave and think may change. but deep down we haven't really changed at all. deep down we can't really change. because deep down what lies there is trapped by so many other layers above that it is immune to change. and deep down is where we really lie. but how often do we find ourselves? thats the question to answer. :)

2008-08-19T23:13:00.000+08:00

promised someone i would dedicate a post but i can't think of the words now. will post tmr! :)

2008-08-17T23:54:00.000+08:00

time is everyone's friend, and everyone's enemy. people say they have not enough time. others say they have too much time. but we all have the same 24 hours a day, the same 7 days a week and the same 325.25 days a year. ultimately it is how we use that time that matters isn't it. at the end of each person's time one looks back and wonder, if he has any regrets. has he lived his life to what it best could have been? there is a saying : " when i die, i become history. but my words and actions become a legacy" can we all say that?

2008-08-15T22:02:00.000+08:00

there was a teacher who once told me refering to the younger secondary students he was training: "at this age they are indestructable".
well i was thinking recently and yeah this is true. and not just physically speaking. from the day we are born till now we are virtually indestructable. any mistake made can be remedied. every wrong decision comes with a get out clause that allows us a second chance. we are born indestructable given nothing extreme along the way occurs. we are allowed to make mistakes. as many as we like to make. we are allowed to stray and deviate from what is seen as the right track without having too much trouble in coming back onto it.
the problem comes as time passes though. while we are born indestructable, as time passes we become less and less indestructable. while at the start nothing could hurt us. as the years pass a the bruises start till appear though they still heal pretty fast. slowly but surely we are becoming but mortal men and women. a mistake committed that would have been let off years ago now results in drastic consequences. the ripples of a wrong decision spreads further than we could have imagined. something that would never have happened when we first came into this world. we grow weaker and more susceptible to hurt and pain. we begin to be tormented with regrets that would never have haunted us in the past.
thats wha growing up is. thats what becoming mature is. it is learning to make less and less mistakes. it is learning not to repear the mistakes of the past. it is most of all to make the gradual loss of invincibility less obvious and less significant. thats what i think anyway.

never forget how phoenixes fly!

2008-08-13T22:45:00.000+08:00

it has been 10 months since i graduated from yishun town secondary school. i still remember the first time i saw that video that night. it didn't mean much then. i mean it was touching as i reflected back and all but today when i watch it again it seems all the more memorable. its so touching that it can bring small drops of tears to the corner of my eyes. all the memories come rushing back. back then it didn't seem that anything would change after graduation. just we wont be attending the same class but things would be alright and everyone would be in touch close etc. but now this video seems to be one of the few things that i can hang on to to remind me of the way things were, the great times we all had together. the pain and tears we experienced together. i dare say that those were the best years of my life thus far. i mean life has been good to me so far this year. have new friends, have old friends, have a team i treasure. but if you would ask me. if i had a chance to live those two years of my life all over again would i give up all that i have now? well i would. i would do so in a heartbeat. that is how much i treasure those two years. truely, i doubt anything can be better than that. despite all the problems the came along the way. i really miss it. but as usual life must move on. so i like to dedicate this song to all the phoenixes including mother phoenix. felt it is so very appropriate. hope april doesn't mind. :D

2008-08-13T22:07:00.000+08:00

coming home to an empty house for the past few days have made me wonder. is this really what i want? of course i would love the freedom that i get. but will that really make me happier? i dont know.. only time will tell.

2008-08-13T21:59:00.000+08:00

was talking to a good friend today about a movie he recommended to me. and i thought of this. a person will be as perfect as we make him/her out to be. there times in our life that we think a person is mr/ms perfect. and all this without realizing that sometimes the image that we have of them is an image that we have created edited and saved in our heads.. what we fail to realize is that behind the image we have created is the true person's image, one that we have buried in the deepest recesses of our brain. but if and when that image returns from the grave to haunt and gloat at us right before our eyes. that is when reality strikes..

2008-08-13T00:09:00.000+08:00

1. The person who last tag you is:- april

2. Your r/s with him/her is:- my da jie

3. Your five impression of him/her is:
- Really very smart!
- One of the few who i cannot out argue
- Philosophical thinking
- Strong headed.. hehe
- cry baby!!! kidding ah!

4. The most memorable thing he/she has done for you is:- my christmas present! oh and the two red eggs! :D

5. The most memorable thing he/she has said to you:- well it has to be something bout my character but for the life of me i can't remember what it is. hahaha

6. If he/she became your lover, you will:- not get into an argument with her.

7. If he/she became your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be:- learning how to lose some arguments to me so that i can be satisfied with outtalking her.. though i can't!!

8. If he/she became your enemy, you will:- wait for her to get over being my enemy and in the meantime try to see if there is ath i can do to make myself less of a reason for her to hate me :)

9. If he/she became your enemy, the reason will be:- because i pissed her off and i could not take her cold war anymore.

10. The most desired thing you want to do for him/her now is:- i don't know. tell her that i will always be there to listen if she needs a listener? haha.

11. Your overall impression of her/him is :- crappy!!! just kidding. great friend and dajie!

12. How you think people arnd you will feel abt you?:- good question

13. The characters you love of yourself are:- my open ears! haha!

14. On the contrary, the characters you hate of yourself are:- hanging on too long and pushing too far.

15. The most ideal person u want to be is:- someone that you love for the rest of your life. the you is no one in particular. just waiting for that person to show. hahaha. :)

16. for ppl that care and like you, say something to them:- I wouldn't have made it this far in life without you guys! i love and care for all of you! :)

17. Pass this quiz to 10 persons who u wish to know how they feel abt u:

1. Becky Soh
2. Sophia Loh
3. Chin Wanling
4. Amy Tan
5. Zeng Hengguang
6. Tan Zhiwei
7. Jermaine Chua
8. Ethel Nicol Mendoza
9. Merlin Yip
10.Jiang Weizhou

18. Who is no.6 having r/s with?- wish he was with er... _________

19. Is no.9 a male/female? Female..

20. If no. 7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?- really doubt they are lesbians!! haha

22. What is no.2 studying about?- not very sure what module she is revising but studying hard for exams!

23. when was the last time you had a chat with no.3?- few weeks back?

24. what kind of music band does no.8 like?- way too many. haha

25. Does no.1 have any siblings?- yes. cute bro!

26. Will u woo No.3?- what do you think? haha.

27. How about no.7?- what do you think? haha.

28. Is no.4 single?- i don't know if they have mad it official but unofficially no. :)

29. What is the surname of No.5?- Zeng!

30. What's the hobby of no.4?- dancing and slacking!

31. Does no.5 and no.9 get along well?- they don't talk.

32. where is no.2 studying at?- temasek poly

33. Talk smth casually abt No.1:- shuai ge!! :D

34. Have you tried developing feelings for No.8?- feelings aren't developed! and no. don't try such things. haha

35. Where does No.9 live at?:- Yishun Ring Road BLK _________________

36. What color does No.4 like?:- Pink? i think. haha

37. Are No.5 and 1 best frnds?:- best friends? maybe very good friends :)

38. Does No.1 have any pets?- yes her bro..

39. Is No.7 the sexiest person in the world?- woah.. you wont believe how much when u see her :D

40. what is no.10 doing now?- Probably sleeping soundly liao!!

someone ask me fill this up so.. though it was becky who first forwarded it to me. haha. next time do back for u! :D

2008-08-12T23:20:00.000+08:00

there is a saying " expect the best, prepare for the worst ".
this quote sums up what life is all about and this quote enables us to ensure we do not get washed away in the surging waves of unpredictability and misfortune. well you see, without expectation there can be no disappointment. but the trade off is that there is no excitement and happiness. there can be no joy of success or celcbration of a good final outcome.
yet if we expect the best and prepare for the best then if and when what we expect does not pan out as we had seen it turn out, we are left hanging in the sky with nothing to hold onto and with nothing to fall back on. this would mean that the law of gravity would come into play and we go crashing down to earth again. that is why we prepare for the worst. while we may be disappointed that how life turned out was not according to our plan, yet we are left with enough options and paths to take so as to adapt and carry on with life. and trust me life never turns out the way we plan it to. if it does well thats good for you. i congratulate you and celebrate with you. but if it and it usually will not turn out the way you wanted and expected well its always good to have a plan B and a plan C and maybe even a plan D to catch you from falling.

unless of course you are a girl and you are falling into the arms of prince charming :D

thats all for today!

2008-08-11T21:47:00.000+08:00

as he enters the room, the noise dims almost immediately. the warm cameradie dissolves and disappears just as hot air rises and cold air sinks. the chill starts to rise in everybody's spine. what is he doing here?

haha. just thought of writing a story here. will continue next time. :)

2008-08-11T07:54:00.001+08:00

what is my purpose in this world? what is the meaning of my life? surely i am not here just to go through the mundane ordinary routine and route of life? i do not want to live just aiming to do well in examinations. i do not want to live just trying to out do everyone else. there is no point and no meaning in that. i do not want to live just working towards getting a good job or earning a lot. isn't there something greater for me? isn't there any way i can make an impact on this world. to be able to make a difference in this world.
that is why i always wanted to be a superhero. even now. :)
if not. at the end of it all. death awaits us all. and no matter how much we try to avoid it, it comes sweeping us off our feet. and at the very moment just before we die we see our life flash before our eyes and realise there was so much more we could have done.

2008-08-11T00:28:00.000+08:00

can't think of anything chim to talk about right now. zzz. there were a number of stuffs i had in mind to crap about but for the life of me i just can't remember what they are. hmm, maybe i should pull some of the stuffs from my sec 4 compos out. haha.
as i stared through the clear glass window, everything became so blur, so out of focus as rain mar the beautiful image before my eyes and turned it in to am image of its own unique beauty.
or maybe..
the raindrops began to pelt down all around me mixing at will with the the warm tears the flowed in torrents down my cold and dry face.
or maybe..
i sank to my knees in utter despair. the weight of emotions overwhelming. it was strong enough to drive me to the ground. it was so strong that i wanted to tear myself open and scream my lungs out.

haha. some of my favourite phrases. oh yeah one more..

memories flashed before my eyes like scenes playing in a film.. dage should rmb this
haha

goodnights!

2008-08-10T00:57:00.000+08:00

somethings you want to give up, u can't.
sometimes you want to let go,u can't.

why keep me in this pain?
why keep me in this misery?

wish things were different..

2008-08-09T03:46:00.001+08:00

had a great day with bad gerl today! went to town watch movie then shopping and then midnight movie!! haha. was really a great time. enjoyed the time spent with her. thanks alot for the fun day. hope to go out with u more often :D bye! take care!

not april but an april fool's joke

2008-08-06T21:19:00.001+08:00

" too many cooks spoil the broth" a very famous quote. notvery sure it applies now but yeah.
trying to hard to be someone. trying too hard to do something.
pushing too hard. pushing too far.
in the end all it ends up with is failure. a negative result. one that could only be diametrically opposite from what was dreamt of. the irony though, is that the result had always expected. being nobody to someone yet trying ignore the fact and acting as if it is not the case. what an irony. sometimes we try looking back to the past wishing that things were the same now as then. the cruel joke however is that things in the past were never as good how they were imagined. in fact what we were looking at was simply a mirage of what we believed to be there. just as in a dry and scorching desert. we rush towards it and then we realize that all we dive into is dry heartless sand.
i used to tell zhi wei that when one door closes there will always be another open. it is just a matter of whether we choose to see the open door and stop staring at the closed one. yet it is possible that the biggest problem is we never realise that the door is closed in the first place. despite running into it so many times. despite our mind screaming to us that it is no longer open. yet the untrustworthy heart ever insists that it is wide open. and the fool keeps running and slamming running and slamming running and slamming. till he bleeds from the impact of a solid cold metal door. and then he gets up and starts running and slamming all over again.
what a fool! and then the biggest joke of all is i am that fool.
no more.. no more.. even a fool is wise when he realises he is a fool. (adapted from proverbs). no longer will he bang himself. no longer will he stand trying to force his way through the door he did not realise was shut. beginning from scatch is difficult. but i am glad that i don't have to start from scratch. at least i still have a number of bricks already there. and i am very very grateful to have them. :)

2008-08-05T22:23:00.000+08:00

Suddenly she's leaving
Suddenly the promise
Of love has gone
Suddenly breathing seems
So hard to do
Carefully
You planned it
I got to know just
A minute to late, oh girl
Now I understand it
All the times we
Made love together
Baby you were
Thinking of him

Why do I love you?
Don't even want to
Why do I love you
Like I do?
Like I always do
You should've told me
Why did you have
To be untrue?
(Love you like I do)
Why do I love you
Like I do?

Ain't gonna show no
Weakness
I'm gonna smile
And tell the
Whole world
I'm fineI'm gonna keep
My senses
But deep down
When no one can hear me
Baby I'll be crying for you

Why do I love you?
Don't even want to
Why do I love you
Like I do?
Like I always do
You should've told me
Why did you haveTo be untrue?
(Love you like I do)
Why do I love youLike I do?

Can't go back
Can't erase
Baby your
Smiling face oh no
I can think of
Nothing else but you
Suddenly

Why do I love you?
Don't even want to
Why do I love youLike I do?
Like I always do
You should've told me
Why did you have
To be untrue?
(Love you like I do)
Why do I love youLike I do?

westlife- why do i love you?
one of my favourite:)

MASKS

2008-08-05T20:04:00.000+08:00

the best liar in this world are those who can bluff himself. well maybe he can also be considered the greatest fool around. because he fails to see that deluding himself will only lead to sorrow and pain. and this comes especially hard when reality slams in his face and he has no choice but to take notice. often he puts on a mask for so long that he forgets that it is but a mask on him. in fact he may even come to a point where he unconsciously accepts the mask to be his true face. however as the adage goes: never judge a book by its cover. often what is seen on the surface is not what is really inside. often what hides the true bursting self is but a thin layer of skin that can be manipulated to express whatever one wishes to. but when a bolt of lightning hits and the fragile mask is ripped off and for once the man himself sees what he truely is. what h truely feels. and when the inner man is unleashed the man doesn't know what to do. for he has grown into the mask. he has become whatever he made himself out to be yet not realising that his disguise can be so easily torn apart. in fact it may be so thin it can actually be seen true.

well i finally know the meaning of my blog's name. and even the time it was name as such is so perfectly ironical. i see it now. such is the beauty of life :)

2008-08-05T01:06:00.000+08:00

some things we do we end up regreting for the rest of our lives
some chances we don't take we lose forever
some mistakes we make will return to haunt us
some wounds we put on ourselves remain as scars

will a heart that is in a million pieces ever be mended?
will a heart that aches ever be soothed?

is there no second chances?
is there no way to change things?
is there no brakes to slam?

just som random stuff i thought of before knocking off.. haha goodnight!

2008-08-01T23:55:00.000+08:00

often in this life we may plan and plan. but ultimately things will not always work out the way you want it to. in fact things often do not go according to plan. at the same time, this life is so unpredictable. one minute things could be going one way and the next it could be taking a whole new direction all together. often one may wish for something, but the chances that person will get it is one in a million. too many variables and too little constants. that what life is.
there is a time for everything. often one may wish he/she was in another time but that can never happen. so what do we do?
it is human to be selfish. the things we do the things we say.. how often has something been done completely for the sake of another person we no benefit at all for ourselves? and ironically its human too not to be able to stand it in others yet hardly ever being able to see it in our ownselves. maybe im wrong. maybe im being pessimistic. maybe not many are like that.
i just wish i could make the right choice the right decision all the time. wish i could be someone who was able to make a difference. we all have our childhood dreams. and this is one of mine. to have a purpose like so many heroes in the movies. but i guess thats why they will always remain dreams..
goodnight!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!!

2008-07-31T22:46:00.000+08:00

this post is solely dedicated to a very good friend of mine becky soh bi qing. haha
glad to have known her these past four years. she has made life alot more interesting and fun. in the past very emo but now im glad she is happy and able to be emotionally more independent. also a smart girl in MJC and one who is as passionate about soccer! haha. hope you will do very well in studies and in soccer ah!
anyway now you are 17 liao. hope you will get to realise your dreams and ambitions in the coming future and that life will be good to you.hope that you will be happy for as often as possible and that you will always have a stupid smile :D
well all the best to you and HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! know you like 11 so :)