maybe im not putting in enough effort? maybe putting in effort is not the right way to approach this. whatever it is i just wonder if im actually cut out for this. its tiring to carry on. its tiring to wait and hope. its tiring to wonder if things would ever be the same. or if things were ever different. if it had been my imagination all along. i look and wonder why it seems some succeed so easily. why to others it doesnt seem to matter. why some always seem to get what they want so quickly. and then i wonder why i ve been stagnant. i wonder why i seem to be pushed back two steps for every step forward that i take. i want to know what you think of me. i want to know if i have a place or if im expendable. but i never dare open my mouth. the time never seems right. and in the end i only have myself to blame.